The cleverly titled Retour de Ned is an essential theatrical road map for anyone hoping to wear the yellow jersey on the Champs Elysées. It’s a really very rough guide to the tactics (pedal faster) and challenges (not pedalling fast enough) that will need to be used to win the biggest bike race in the world.
There will be opportunities along the route to think about the best racers of all time and do laughably awful impersonations of them. There will be an opportunity to enjoy everything French and Tourish about France and the Tour: Things like cycling across entire mountain ranges for a month while disregarding churches built in the 12th century, urinating at the side of the road, shoving spectators aside, hitting protesters, and overall acting like a shaven-legged thug.
